The Dark Passenger: Fear in Control’s Clothing
By Amparo Penny, LCMHC, C-DBT, CCTP
There was a reason why I held on so tightly.
Why I kept sabotaging myself every time I tried to address my health concerns. Why I kept “starting over,” again and again.
Even though my current coping skills—overeating, drinking—weren’t “fun” anymore, weren’t soothing anymore, I still clung to them like a life raft.
Did I need more discipline? More motivation? Was something wrong with me?
Turns out, it had nothing to do with weakness. It was fear. My Dark Passenger, or inner critic, was on high alert, firing messages like missiles:
You’re going to fail. Again.
You can’t let go of control—everything will fall apart.
And even when I ignored her and started making slow, steady changes, I still freaked out.
What if it doesn’t work this time?
OMG, What if it does?
Would I have to say goodbye to my Dark Passenger - to the structure, the control, the identity I built around being “on top of it”?
She told me I couldn’t live without her. And for a long time… I believed her. Not because I was weak. It was because I was terrified of what would happen if I loosened the chokehold I had on control.
The Myth of “Falling Apart”
Lately, a few of my clients have shared something vulnerable in their sessions:
They want to change their health habits. They create all the “right” plans. They set the goals. However, when it’s time to follow through? They freeze.
They tell me they don’t know what the problem is. They’ve tried everything and they still can’t stay on track without backsliding.
When I gently asked, “Are you scared?” they looked surprised—like fear hadn’t even occurred to them.
That’s when I told them: “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to your Dark Passenger.”
Because here’s what I’ve seen over and over:
That voice—the inner critic, the one that masks itself as motivation—starts making threats the moment we try to loosen our grip.
It says: If you let go, even a little, everything will fall apart.
And so, they keep both hands on the wheel. Clenched. Frozen. Terrified that even lifting a pinky finger off the steering wheel will lead to a crash.
They’re stuck in a false binary: control or collapse.
However, that’s not the truth. That’s just fear, with glitter thrown on it.
Why the Dark Passenger Panics
It’s wild how often this shows up: Clients know what they want. They’re ready to shift old habits. They’re craving change.
And yet, despite their best efforts… they freeze. Their plan fizzles before it starts.
From the outside, it looks like resistance.
Friends and loved ones say things like, “Just eat more.” Or, “Just have more motivation.” As if the issue were willpower. As if it were just about the food.
Although it’s not that simple, is it?
What’s really happening is this: Their Dark Passenger is panicking.
Because autonomy—real choice, real change—feels like a threat to the part of them that’s been holding onto control for dear life.
So, the Dark Passenger throws a tantrum. Not out of malice—but out of fear.
It cranks up the volume, flooding them with lies:
“You can’t do this without me.”
“You’ll mess it up—again.”
“This will blow up in your face, and then what will you do?”
It’s not laziness. It’s not weakness. It’s the Dark Passenger in its survival-mode... disguised as self-sabotage.
How to Make Peace With the Dark Passenger
I used to beat myself up for years because I couldn’t stick to a plan, or I’d lose motivation halfway through. I’d be making slow, steady progress... and then bam.
Backslide City, here I come.
It was exhausting. I’d try to “trick” my brain, research motivation “hacks,” anything to stay on track with my health goals. I thought maybe I just hadn’t found the right strategy yet.
However, underneath all of that? I was in a constant battle with my Dark Passenger.
I kept trying to shut her down. Kick her out of the car. Lock the door so she can’t get back in.
And yet whenever I tried, the backlash was brutal. A**hole Amparo (my Dark Passenger) would cause my thoughts to swing violently—from obsessive control to complete chaos.
And she’d scream things like:
“You’re trying to get rid of me.”
“You can’t do this alone.”
“You’ll be back.”
And honestly? She wasn’t wrong. Every time I fought her, I ended up right back in the same loop.
So one day, I tried something different.
What if I stopped fighting her?
What if, instead of trying to eliminate her, I invited her in?
What if she wasn’t trying to sabotage me—what if she was just terrified of change?
I started asking myself new questions:
What is this fear trying to protect me from?
What am I afraid will happen if I stop trying to control everything?
How can I loosen my grip slowly, without sending A**hole Amparo into another temper tantrum?
And something started to shift.
When I stopped avoiding the fear and started leaning in, my Dark Passenger started to calm down.
She didn’t need to scream anymore, because she didn’t feel so threatened.
Control Isn’t the Goal—Safety Is
We think control is what keeps us safe. However, what actually keeps us safe… is trust.
Trusting that we can handle discomfort.
Trusting that we don’t have to grip so tightly to be okay.
Trusting that change doesn’t mean collapse—it means evolution.
Your Dark Passenger isn’t the enemy. They’re just scared of change, of the unknown.
And when we soothe them instead of silence them, we stop the panic loop.
We stop swinging.
We stop spiraling.
We start healing.
Not because we’ve eliminated fear, but because we’ve made space for it.
And that’s where the growth and healing can start.
Has YOUR Dark Passenger ever panicked at the thought of change? I’d love to hear your story, friend!
👉🏽If this spoke to you...
I’d love for you to share it with someone else who’s felt stuck between “diet culture” and “anti-diet culture,” too.
And if you want support navigating your own journey with more nuance, more freedom, and more compassion, I’m here, friend.
Learn more at www.amparopennytherapy.com,
Or reach out directly at info@amparopennytherapy.com.
👉🏽 And if you’re craving a supportive space to explore your health without extremes, check out “The Messy Middle”, my newly-formed private community where we challenge the all-or-nothing chatter.
